Bill Simmons: "The Everything Guy"

When you constantly read a columnist you become friends with them. You laugh at their stupid jokes, you applaud their valiant points and you learn a lot.

 If you’re a writer, you seem to pick up some of their techniques.

 Such is the case with Bill Simmons, an ESPN columnist who has written thousands of articles for ESPN using a style that makes sports even more entertaining than before.

With pop culture references and new slang, Simmons manages to turn every sports situation into something worth laughing about.

Simmons, who is a die-hard Boston fan, doesn’t hide his allegiance. In fact he flaunts it as he openly taunts rival teams and acts as a voice to the common man who has an opinion on sports.

 He has special features and editions like the “Mail Bag” where he takes users E-mails and answers 20-30 of them in a way only the elite can answer.

 Questions range from: “If the Boston Red Sox were a TV show, what would they be?” to “Name the overall best year in sports history?” And his answers either end up being comedic gold or information that you never really thought of.

 His knowledge on sports is undeniable and his ability to cross sports with pop culture is what makes him relatable and humorous. In all, Simmons is a guy who sits around, watches TV and writes about sports – Not a bad gig.

 When you read a writer for a certain amount of time you learn their dislikes and Simmons repeatedly brings back his dislikes randomly and at the perfect time as it draws a laugh to his regular readers every time.

 He hates the WNBA, New York and male insecurities but often writes about his trips to Las Vegas.

 An example of his sports mind comes from an article he wrote about being at the blackjack table in Vegas.

 He compared the dealer to a starting pitcher, but once the dealer began losing every hand and the gamblers began winning, the pit boss would go to the “bullpen” and bring in a new dealer – one who doesn’t speak English.

This “relief” pitcher would be cold, foreign and unfriendly and eventually cause everyone at the table to go broke.

 Analogies are key to Simmons’ success. He knows enough about everything to have his writing effect everyone, not just sports fans. Of course sports fans would get more of the jokes but he has the friendly writing that invites you to read.

Especially in this day, reading about the box score last night or hearing on Sportscenter about another athlete getting in trouble with the law is mundane. But reading Bill’s take on the situation as he writes fluently and allows the reader to understand the situation and then laugh about it is something not a lot of people can do.

 Simmons has recently been getting into Podcasts to stay up with the times, however, nothing can compare to reading the columns.

 What makes Simmons as good as he is isn’t just his ability to make jokes; it’s his uncanny knowledge about sports. He constantly drops references to past events and countless sporting debacles in every column.

 However, it’s easy nowadays to fake it. Just google a topic and within two minutes you’re a genius. However, the amount of sports he claims to have watched and his endless amount of references and stories should be enough to prove that he knows his stuff.

 You can’t pick up the name “The Sports Guy” for being average.

 And that is what makes him and every other good columnist out there worth reading – The knowledge they have on their topic.

 You want to read something that you can learn from, you want to be entertained and you want to laugh. 

 It’s not a big secret that only the best have access to. It boils down to whether or not you have the passion for what you’re doing or following. If you’re heart is in it you can make it worth reading and you can make it, period.

Bill Simmons was born and raised on sports, he can tell you who the point guard was for the Boston Celtics in 1983. He can also tell you all the character names on Beverly Hills 90210.

He’s more than just a sports guy, he’s the sophisticated thinking that it takes to become a great columnist.

He’s Bill Simmons.

 

Celebrities killed the internet site.

Youtube is a community where people can be heard. It’s a place for common people to post original content like skits, speeches or home videos.

Oh, and it’s a place that the mass media market has already taken over.

Eleven of the twenty most viewed videos ever on Youtube are by famous music artists.

For a website whose slogan is "Broadcast Yourself” they sure need to do a little explaining.

From Avril Lavigne (who has the most viewed video at 104,081,786 hits) to Madonna featuring Justin Timberlake (which is at a dismal 20^th place 49,756,998 plays) the most viewed videos on Youtube looks more like Billboards Top 200.

However, if you select the top rated by users of all-time we find that only two mainstream artist is in the top 20 and rightfully so: Tenacious D and Pink Floyd.  And even these videos are ranked 13^th and 19^th, respectively.

That stat in itself should mean something.

Youtube used to be a place for the common people, the middle-class. Now you can’t go past two videos without seeing a celebrity sponsored video or a promo for a movie.

Obviously ads are a must-have because let’s face it: people have to get paid. But the fact that music videos and mainstream artists haven taken over a website aimed to promote the creativity of people is disgusting.

Youtube has probably grown beyond anyone’s expectations and has even been the headliner of a new tech era, but for some reason the 11 out of 20 most viewed of all-time just flat out bugs me.

Of course celebrities and music videos should be allowed on Youtube, but take it out of the most viewed ever. Everyone has already heard of every one of those songs so why not give 11 less-famous but equally as popular online people a chance.

Let them shine and be known as the top 20 most popular user-based videos.

But face it, this is a country that no matter how hard they try will always see the richer and more popular float to the top.

As to not be a complete hater, Youtube has done a lot for the greater community and has constantly worked hard on original and special features as well as connecting to its community.

But now back to the hate.

If Youtube is about listening to its people then why is the “top rated” button so hard to get to. You have to select “more” and then not only that it’s at the bottom of the drop-down menu, while most viewed isn’t.

Weird.

 Top-rated means the highest rated videos by the users, yes the users. It has nothing to do with how well you can promote your video or how popular you are. It is about how good of quality is this video – yet it’s on a dropdown menu.

Maybe it’s a mute point, but don’t pride yourself on something and not do it. That’s like going into Burger King and having them tell you that they are taking the mayonnaise and cheese off of your burger because you’re too fat.

It’s kind of like MTV killed the radio star, then MTV killed itself and now Youtube is the new, but old, MTV, got it?

In other words: make MTV more about music so Youtube can be more about its users. 

Signed – The World

This is Sportscenter

1979

Annie Roboff is on my list of people to kiss.

Also on this list are Tina Fey, Jessica Biel and Shia LeBeouf (don’t ask).

But why pick Annie? There’s one simple answer: She created the Sportscenter theme song.

If you smoke, hearing this song is like having that first cigarette of the day. If you work out, it’s like that first burn. If you’re a lover, it’s like the first – well you get the picture.

Inside this sports news program, anchors go over the daily action in sports and usually discuss topics that have been lingering like injuries and player drama.

But it’s so much more than that.

It’s the simple yet funny narrations to the highlights.

It’s the comfort of seeing the stars still shining.

It’s the sick play that you missed from another game.

It began 30 years ago and has aired over 30,000 unique shows and has been shown more than any program in TV history.

And to this day Sportscenter is what makeup is for girls.

It can be known as a real-life soap opera, they bring you the drama around all the major leagues and college sports like a soap has different storylines.

It can be known as a light-hearted comedy as the anchors poke fun at professional athletes and contend against each other with quips and jokes.

The list goes on and on but one of its signature highlights that no one, whether you like sports or hate ‘em, can rip on: the “Top 10”.

They countdown the top 10 best plays of the day from all around the country and bring it to you in five minutes or less as the show wraps up.

Who could ask for more?


Once the introduction music hits no matter what mood you’re feeling it all seems to go away as the crane lowers onto the two always-happy anchors.

One of the best parts about Sportscenter are the commercials.

They sometimes mock and let you into a pretend world if the athletes actually worked with your favorite anchors. Here are a couple good ones:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZooFJBks9YU&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GSuePNS3tYY&feature=related

The anchors bring a human side to reporting and most of the time make your local sports anchors look like jokes as they struggle to figure out which cliché to use … or does Del Rodgers really just suck?

Either way Sportscenter is a great program because it’s almost always on when nothing else good is on and there is that therapeutic melody that let’s you know that everything will in fact be OK.

Da da da, da da da.

2008

The art of deception on Youtube

Twenty percent of the top viewed videos on www.youtube.com for September 19th have a girl half-naked as the screen cap.

Five out of twenty videos – and this is a slow day.

The number of videos that actually contain half-naked girls… One.

This is a common ploy called D.U.M.B., or, Deception Using Meritless Bimbos.

You see, what D.U.M.B. does is it entices the viewer, predominantly male, to want to click on the video because they expect a video of a girl in a bra or other various articles of seductive clothing.

For example, the common user would see the title: “Miley Cryus in pool with uncle” and drop anything he's doing (baby's included) to see this video as fast as he can. But hold on one second my friend, hold on.

Here is a screen-cap of what he would be looking at.


Now before we proceed, look at that dismal rating. This is a dead giveaway that Miley Cyrus is not in the pool with her uncle. In fact, upon further inspection it’s the complete opposite: Kevin Federline.

Oh K-Fed, you almost got me! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eYSodPlCAe4) for those interested.

But how did they get that image of a girl on there in the first place? For those who haven’t uploaded a video, let me explain.

There are three segments that you can choose to use as your preview thumbnail. Youtube automatically takes three screen-shots throughout the video – one-third of the way through, halfway through, and two-thirds through.

Once the video is fully edited they slip a picture of a girl halfway through the video and once it's uploaded they set it as their default display image.

The actual application of this procedure is called the Applied Screen-shot Secret, or, A.S.S.

Listen, if you have to deceive people into clicking the video in the first place then that should tell you how terrible your video actually is. What makes you think people will even enjoy it once they realize they have been had?

When D.U.MB. is combined with A.S.S. the results are usually powerful and will always gain over 100,000 hits -- something every Youtuber strives for.

And then there’s the parade of comments along with the video that can easily ruin your day faster than the depressing medium known as the local news.



In the words of jcac062907, “this is retarted”.

And that comment right there is the reason why the Internet is amazing. Seriously? The “t” isn’t even next to “d”, how does this get messed up?

Comments in videos like these are often more funny than anything else on Youtube. The inane fights that people start leave me wondering if the world would be better off without the Internet.

And then for no reason at all the anonymous Youtubers try to get into politics. This you have to see to believe.



Yes, CocolutoBeans is claiming this video is “a stupid as Obama”. Honestly, when you’re trying to put something or someone else down, double check your comment.

Thatkidnumber24 comes back later to say that McCain can’t remember “tha dumb retarded speaches he puts together”.

Grammar aside, did anyone else know that McCain now writes his own “speaches”?

Sifting through a video like this has me questioning the future of our country and the responsibility that these anonymous posters will have in the coming years.

You will honestly feel a little more empty aside after reading 100 or so comments exactly like this.

And that is the art of a D.U.M.B.A.S.S. video. Remember, be aware of the stars and you should be OK.

Oh, and don’t go through the comments because you’ll end up with a gun to your mouth and a bottle of pills next to your bed.

This is just another friendly reminder from your resident Youtube expert and- wait a minute.

Jackpot, just found a video with a hot chick that actually contains a hot chick, gtg.

Note: Scrue barrak and old fogy mccain! RON PAUL FOR OUR COUNTIES FUTURE!

Pretty Woman: You aren't Julia Roberts but good for you

What names do you recognize more: D.J. Tanner, Punky Brewster, and Winnie Cooper; or Candace Cameron, Soleil Moon Frye, and Danica McKellar?

If you said the latter then turn off the television set and go outside.

Most people would have said the first set of names mainly because they are the characters of famous shows that the country fell in love with.

Over the years we have seen these faces other places but immediately recognize them as “that girl from Full House” etc.

The same thing will happen to Natalie Dylan, whether she likes it or not.

However, instead of being recognized for her acting credentials she’ll be noted and talked about as the girl that sold her virginity in an online auction – it has a nice ring to it, doesn’t it?

Imagine introducing her to your parents for the first time: “Mom, dad, this is Natalie. She is funny, in grad school, oh, and she sold her virginity on the Internet. Well, we’re going to be late for the movie.”

Any job interview, any friends, anything. This is her claim to fame. But hey, she’s got a degree.

But without a doubt this is an amazing idea, scratch that, phenomenal idea. She will get what she wanted and more, like hundreds of thousands of dollars more.

My problem isn’t really with her, it’s with the guy who is willing to put that much money out there to penetrate.

How does this guy approach the next girl he wants to pursue?

“Hey, um, I’m Greg. I spent $500,000 to bang a chick, if it’s any consolation she was a virgin, well she said she was virgin.”

What worries me the most is what happens if this dude lasts under five minutes. Poor guy throws away hundreds of thousands of dollars and can’t last longer than a commercial break.

Seriously, though, despite the media and public taking shot after shot at her, what she is doing is genius. The cliché goes: Bad publicity is still publicity.

She will be in a completely legal situation at a place that will make sure everything is completely safe and she’ll be doing something rather enjoyable – good for her.

But then there’s society.

There are the relationships after, the dirty looks, the under-the-breath comments, and the jobs.
What about her degree? The girl wants to be a therapist.

Good luck getting clients once they found out you sold your body for sex.

It’s unclear whether or not she is aware of the social stigma that will be next to her for the rest of her life.

She will forever be a “D.J. Tanner”. Sadly, this is her defining moment.

But it’s not my life. It has no effect on me whatsoever. We will probably never meet in real life, unless I immediately take out a giant loan, and this is why my views are so laid back.

Even the haters have to admit that when this is all said and done, being able to walk out of that building with that much money for “15 minutes or less of fame” is a great idea.

In fact, ladies, just throwing this out there. Anyone interested in bidding on my second time having sex feel free to visit www.ebay.com/3340532.

My life goals include: buying new rims for my car, falling asleep every night, and passing Humphrey’s hellhole called Mass Media Law.

Right now my only offer is some duct tape and a box of thumbtacks so don’t be shy.



Note: I have a tracker logging everyone who clicks that link and so far three people have. Their IPs trace back to Cherise Estes, Michael Smith and Michael Fitzgerald. I’m just saying…

We've got laughs from coast to coast to make you smile

Bob Saget had something good. 

Well, technically it wasn’t his idea, but Saget was the face of America’s Funniest Home Videos throughout the 1990s. For years we laughed every week at children tripping in mud, old people falling over at wedding receptions and the infamous objects to the groin.

Back in the day there wasn’t anything fancy; just a cable box, a lunchable and Saget.

Fast forward 18 years later where the Internet has literally taken over the world. America’s Funniest Home Videos has now transformed into sites like www.break.com that features instant classics like:

A guy failing to do a backflip: http://www.break.com/index/failed-backflip-onto-concrete-floor.html.

A breakdancer knocking himself out: http://www.break.com/its-always-sunny-in-philadelphia/drunk-breakdancer-knocks-himself-out.html.

And nothing is complete without a random object to the groin: http://www.Break.com/index/guitar-hero-nut-shot.html.

This wave of online video sites, known as the Youtube era, has caused tens of thousands of people to pick up a camera with hopes to get “big” on the Internet. It’s caused an even bigger wave of anonymous viewers waiting to bash them to holy hell or roll on the floor laughing their ass off.

Why?

Why has America been so fascinated with watching these videos?

Obviously it’s as entertaining as a monkey riding a dog, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IolGVHkv1vQ, but there has to be more.  Maybe there’s a sense of innocent voyeurism in watching a baby laugh like an adult, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5P6UU6m3cqk. Or maybe it’s the anonymity that comes with the Internet. The way that users can hide behind a screen name and watch videos that offer advice on oral sex, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5GE82tqcYYQ. How about a way to cherish amazing moments that give you chills every time you watch it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1k08yxu57NA.

You can spend hours figuring out what drives millions of people to sit there and watch, laugh, and cry at the expense of others. But it doesn’t have to be one specific reason, what drives someone to these websites can’t really be defined.

Watching other people suffer or succeed has been something the world has been fascinated with pretty much forever. And now with these websites we have the ability to customize our own funniest videos instead of being force-fed the ones with those horrid Saget voiceovers: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p3bxYSGZdLw.

So I guess the real question is: Why wouldn’t these catch on?

Not only is it a place to laugh at the follies of America, but also it’s a place for amateur filmmakers to feel legit. The internet is a perfect outlet for artists to get honest feedback (even if those people have usernames that start with “xXx”).

Think about it, creating a website where amateurs can express their opinion and artistic ability in front of millions and millions of people without needing a degree or any qualifications. A place to publish just about anything they want on a website for free!

What a great idea.

It’s actually going to be exciting to see how big this online video thing will get. It’s hard to believe a site like this will ever fail. A site where “Internet series” can take off, where new skits pop up every day and where groin shots are still a hit.

My questions actually got answered as this column progressed so now this is kind of the awkward goodbye, like do we shake hands or high five? Or do we just wave bye? Oh look there’s a Youtube video about it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ml8Q_qZxWLE, I guess that’s the only proper send off.

Note: Don’t google search: “monkey riding a dog” with the filter off.

Legalize ditching classes on college campuses

Imagine going into a store and buying a delicious chocolate cake drenched in a giant vat of mind-numbing flavor.

Now imagine the guy at the register telling you that you must eat it all right now or you fail.

OK, the example is a bit exaggerated and poorly executed but the point is: Instructors need to stop regulating attendance in classrooms.

In the analogy, the chocolate cake obviously is your tuition; the guy at the register is the instructor controlling what you can do with your cake.

Now would this guy tell you what to do when you obviously just bought the cake and am now the owner of it?

It’s yours. You paid for it and you can do what you wish with it, right? Right?

So why do thousands of kids pay their tuition and fail out of college classes based solely on their attendance? Obviously missing classes means the course work is not learned which means you fail anyway, but this is beside the point.

In my experience, there have been times where attendance means getting an extra hour of sleep, or a chance to organize my fantasy football teams.

Face it, there have been classes in everyone’s college experience where they realize, “I don’t have to show up and I can still pass”.

But of course attendance in that class is a requirement.

In fact it would be financially smarter to make a rule to not enforce attendance at all. Think about it.

Kid pays school $2,000.  Eh, correction: Kid’s parents pay school $2,000. Kid is informed that attendance is optional. Kid misses some classes and fails out because it’s his first semester. Kid tries again, only harder, second semester.

Attention Sacramento State, that’s a free $2,000 for every kid who learns the hard way that you need to show up for classes. There are at least 2,000 kids that will do this a semester.

That’s $4,000,000 a semester. Maybe then we can upgrade some of those computers in the student union that take six to eight hours to boot up.

There’s always the argument that this will increase the dropout rate and these kids will go all anarchist, do meth, and ruin their lives. Well if that’s the case then Darwin had a plan for them anyway.

What happened to those stories you heard from older friends or relatives? “College is so sick, you don’t even have to show up if you don’t want to.”

On second thought, those ended up being the guys who got hooked on hardcore drugs and now collect unemployment checks for no reason at all.  Bad example.

Point still being: Attendance requirements for college-level courses are a joke. You pay money for something and still get slapped with restrictions on what you can and can’t do.

You buy tickets to a football game and you don’t show up. Do they call you later and tell you that you failed? No.

You buy a book and don’t read it. Does the author come to your door and say, “Excuse me, who died on the shipwreck in chapter six? Oh you don’t know? Fail”? No.

So why when you pay for tuition does a teacher threaten to fail you if you miss three classes?

Sorry to cut things short but my econ class just got dismissed; it’s always annoying being the last one out the door.

 

On an entertaining note, here are some San Francisco laws I stumbled upon:

Elephants are prohibited from strolling down Market Street unless they are on a leash.

It is illegal to wipe one’s car with used underwear.

It is illegal to pile horse manure more than six feet high on a street corner.

God Bless America.