Thanksgiving isn't about food or reunions. No, it's about one thing.

Battles are won and lost over many different types of tables: Beer pong and poker to name a few.

I feel I have mastered both of the aforementioned but one remains a struggle for me: The ping pong table.

Once every year the dust comes off of the crusty and faded red-and-yellow paddles and the table dominates my grandparents garage.

Naturally, every year I feel confident in my game. I’ve been working out for a month now and my stamina is much better than last year.

The struggle comes because there’s still one relative that continues to haunt my Thanksgiving Eve nightmares.

My sister? Her game’s laughable. My cousin? I once beat him 21 to -3. My aunt? Blacked out drunk.

No, no, this competitor is no one else but my 79-year-old grandfather.

It’s not that we’re that bad; he’s that good.

The guy is a freak of nature. He doesn’t know what “caps lock” means but he can paint the corners of the ping pong table any day of the week.

Trouble is he claims to only play once every year: Thanksgiving.

Well, as we all get settled in at my grandparents, he casually walks by the table and grabs a paddle.

He looks at it like he didn’t have this set up all along, he then looks up at me and smiles.

“You want to play?” He asks.

These four words triggered the ping pong battle of 2008.

He gave me my choice of paddles and I stood on my side ready and confident. This year, I will finally take down my grandpa in this five-game series.

Game one went to my grandfather, 21-15. The score doesn’t indicate how poorly I played. The rust was evident and I was down 19-7 at one point. But on those 15 points I scored I built confidence.

Game two also went to my grandfather, 21-19. This time the contest was intense. My cell phone in fact flew out of my jacket during the match as I dove for the ball. My efforts came during a loss, however, and all of a sudden this best-of-five series was shaping up to be a sweep.

I put the paddle down and gave us both some time to rest. I was mentally and physically tired, and my grandpa.. OK, well maybe it was just to give me time to rest.

During this intermission I played two games of beer pong and finished a few side beers and as I grabbed the paddle to partake in game three I was feeling a little buzzed.

Doing my best John Daily impression, I jumped out to a quick 7-2 lead. Maybe the drinks helped.

After a few impressive rallies my lead swelled to 18-9. All of a sudden I realized Daily may have been on to something. Despite the fact that we were out of beer, I stayed buzzed and won the game.

Game four remained in my momentum as I cruised to a 21-16 victory. My grandpa’s eyes bled of defeat and I felt confident I could finally beat him. The taunts of him saying “how does it feel to lose to a 79-year-old man” ran through my head and I used that as motivation.

I felt like he was Michael Jordan circa 2000 and I was Kobe Bryant. After all these years finally it was my time.

But game five ended almost as quickly as it began. His power, poise and confidence led him to a brilliant 21-14 victory.

The title and the series was his, and he was ready to go again. However my grandma pried him away from the table.

And that was it. The man who cooked my turkey this year stuffed me at the ping pong table (Sorry, I had to get in one bad Thanksgiving Day PUN).

So he set the paddle down once again for another 365 days, or so he claims.

You can look at that as 365 days of waiting, but I look at it as 365 days of training.

But before we folded up the table and stashed it away I got a quick game against my aunt, who may or may not remember the result, but I scored a cheap victory.

I needed something to hold on to until that soon to be 80-year-old man utters those four words that start the Thanksgiving Day battle of 2009.

Youtube Live 2008!!! It was.. well.... mediocre

What Youtube did this week is like when television went to color, or like when you bought Sierra Nevada instead of Coors Light.

Youtube.com upgraded and went live.

For years it was known as a site to upload and watch old videos, but on Nov. 22 they did something that the rest of the Internet has done over and over again –  they put on a production that was unedited.

In case you haven’t been on there in a month or so they have been promoting the holy hell out of this event. They brought in the biggest Youtube stars and put together a good amount of mediocre crap.

Seriously, it was like the MTV Music Awards, but for poor people and Youtube-obsessed teenagers.

That’s not to say that their channel, www.youtube.com/live, isn’t put together well; or that there were no bright spots at all, but after watching all the highlights you get a feeling that unless you live on Youtube and watch every stars video then this was an event you should stay away from.

But if you love “hip” and “cool” new music like Soulja Boy and Katy Perry, then my God you should have gone.

This Youtube meeting thing isn’t new, however, the San Francisco-based event is a variation of what they did last year.

In 2007, they rented out a wharf and invited everyone from Youtube to come and film each other. So essentially you had people filming other people filming other people.

So maybe this is an upgrade?

Even Bo Burnham, who is an intelligent and talented comedy performer, barely got a few chuckles out of me with his song.

Seriously, look at the people who are part of the “headliner” list: “Juan Mann”, “Willl.I.Am”, there are so many plays on words that even Groucho didn’t show up because he was embarrassed.

Sure, Youtube probably spent a lot of money putting this together, but if you’re a casual fan that just wants to catch some clips then watch carefully, because if you don’t know who the “star” is the jokes will make no sense.

However, many of the critics and those who attended have given the show positive feedback and there are already talks of Youtube 2009, I’m shaking with excitement.

But a glitch that helped me realize why the show was so bland popped into my head a few hours after it was over.

Youtubers and the stars on Youtube take the time to write out skits and then perform them using several takes per scene.

So if you try and get all of these people together and attempt to pull off an amazing live show, well, the results are obvious.  The Youtubers there really do have good channels and most of them are entertaining but the comedy just wasn’t there, the bits were average at best and Katie Perry was the main star – go ahead and grade it for yourself but Youtube Live 2008 gets a “C-“

Honestly, I’m just bitter that I wasn’t invited.

Forgive me, but I'm feeling a little hot for words

If you know or are a hot chick then you need to jump on this video thing and you can make some good cash.

Seriously, think about it. Youtube is one of the hottest places in the entire world to spread whatever is on your mind to a lot of people.

Why not promote the hell out of a hot chick, give her a gimmick and cash a check?

Of course, this wasn’t all my idea. In fact, most of the credit goes to “Hotforwords”.

In case you don’t know, she’s a Youtube sensation that pretty much sits there and explains the origin and story behind words.

This is an amazing idea for a couple of reasons.

First of all, no one wants to learn about words, but if you bring a hot blonde and use the D.U.M.B.A.S.S misdirection (as explained in my first blog) then instantly you will have hits.

Now you have to get them hooked.

Why not make it interactive? What Hotforwords does is she allows video requests. So people get on camera and ask her about a certain word to define.

Google would seem like the obvious answer if you really wanted to know, but Google isn’t dressed in a silky nightgown or cleavage-popping tank tops.

The interaction with the viewers will bring more submissions and thus an endless supply of material to film.

So there is enough content for this gimmick to last through two more depressions. the hot girl is there. the organization and presentation is there.. Now you watch the plant grow.

She does break my cardinal rule, however, and asks people to subscribe to her in the beginning of each segment, but she’s hot so it’s OK!

Anyway, with everything there now it’s time to make money.

Well, after checking out the website I was actually pretty impressed.

The organization is well done as they have put all of her submissions in alphabetical order and have a lot of options to choose from… including the store.

The only thing she has for sale is a calendar, yes a calendar, 12 months of Hotforwords.

In fact, she doesn’t even expose her real name. On the cover it literally says HotForWords.

Here’s the reason I won’t buy it.

Her videos have a screen shot of her more naked than she actually is in the video. So every time you click you get fooled into seeing a girl with actual clothes on as opposed to the almost naked on you see in the thumbnails.

Well, here we have her calendar with her in only a bra (which is falling off) so one must deduct that HotForWords is in bathrobes in January and slacks in November.

Not only that it’s $14.95 plus shipping and handling.

But let’s think about it for a second. She has 139,000 subscribers. Out of those many subscribers at the minimum you’d have to think that 1,000 will actually by this product. That makes a total of $15,000.

Each calendar probably costs around $5 to make (max), which means they are taking home about $10,000.

It’s hard to know how many people are actually behind the production and upkeep of Hotforwords, but getting a couple grand in your pocket for putting out videos on Youtube isn’t a bad deal at all.

Not only that, but the Website is plastered with ads.

They have four static ads (mainly powered by Google) that pay out per click. Well again, with 130,000 subscribers and over 7 million channel views, you have to believe a good portion are venturing over to her page.

Not only that, you have to submit your questions from the page and not through Youtube (which would be easier). So they are directing traffic to the page trying to bring the hit count up which brings in more side revenue.

The way this whole production is put together is very impressive. The way they interact with the viewers and the way they promote their product. One of the few highlights left on Youtube, and no it’s not just because she’s hot.

I've been thinking of a good idea for a youtube series that could make us a lot of money, so if anyone is interested please e-mail me at youtube4real@hotmail.com.

Malabar: Grade: "A"

My water glass was always half full.

That was enough to keep me satisfied. However, that was just the beginning.

Meriam and the staff at Malabar took care of us and made us feel right at home in the restaurant full of older people and business men.

Usually servers tend to look at younger people as ignorant and bad tippers so they feel it necessary to just stereotype all of them and give all kids bad service.

But Meriam didn’t.

She made sure we were all doing well throughout our meal and besides the delay in dropping the bill everything was very timely.

Even then, as we were all sitting there trying to figure out who owes what she jumped in and asked if we’d like her to split the bill up individually.

This, too, isn’t seen too often. She knew exactly what everyone had and was very quick with the cashing out process.

Oh yeah, and the food was outstanding.

For those who don’t want to spend 15 dollars on an appetizer they have two good-sized pieces of French bread for under five dollars.

Their meals ranged from $9.99 to $28.50 and offer a wide selection of all different types of food. 

I had the mushroom swiss burger, which came with some of the best French fries I have ever had.

The burger was awesome, too. The mushrooms overflowed from the patty to the plate and the vegetable setup was done perfectly. Everything was fresh, and fresh is always good.

The only major problem seems to be the location it is put in. It is right off the freeway, which is a plus, but as you pass the side of it there is no entrance. So you have to go past a few fast food restaurants, take a right at the light, drive ¼ of a mile, turn right then navigate your way through the maze of entrances and exits to six other places.

It’s tucked away in the corner, which is good and bad. It’s good because you feel like you accomplished something in being able to find the place; and bad because you have to feel accomplished by being able to find the place.

Really though, walking in without a collared shirt or slacks you feel a little out of place. However, the staff treats you just like everyone else and the prices aren’t outrageous (not even for Dom perignon which was at a cool $175).

My portions were plenty, but it seemed that a few other dishes, like the Ahi, worried more about presentation than amount.

Other than that, the experience was phenomenal, and the overall grade for Malabar is definitely an “A”.

This place can be recommended to friends, even those who are poor, and is affordable to just about everyone.

And when I left, my water was still half full. 

Avril Lavigne: What is the deal with her and Youtube?

Before Youtube was Youtube, a girl came on the music scene and focused on epitomizing the rebel-like mentality that kids were feeling and she plucked those power chords ever so perfectly while doing so.

Yes, Avril Lavigne was a huge hit in the new millennium as she dealt mind-blowing songs like “Complicated” and “Sk8er Boi”. But for some reason the public didn’t like her much, hmm, weird.

She was called faux-punk and a wanna-be who is ruining music.

But the funniest part was, everyone loved to talk about how much they hated her but somehow everyone still knows the words to the radio hits.

Fast-forward five years.

Now the semi-annymous world of Youtube has taken the main stage and Avril is still holding on.

At over 106 million views her song “Girlfriend” holds the number one spot on most viewed videos ever.

In fact, a video, which simply has pictures from her wedding, has 10 million views.

Is Avril someone America just loves to hate or is she a dirty secret that people don’t want exposed?

Let’s investigate.

After searching “Avril Lavigne” her top 10 videos have totaled 265 million views. OK, so she’s popular.

The viewers are allowed to rate the video from one to five stars and with the mob-mentality it is easy to tell if people truly do like the video . Every one of her top 10 videos has either 4.5 or 5 stars.

OK, so she’s liked.

What about an insight on the community that’s doing the voting? There is no way to look at someone else’s video and see the age and sex of the people voting (which is a shame) so the only logical way would be random sampling.

For example, take Avril Lavigne’s “When You’re Gone”. It managed 34 million views and 73,000 comments.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bW2LTnzD-vE

It is way too time consuming to go through every comment so here is a snapshot of the comments.

Darkligher3491 has a pretty standard comment saying he/she adores the song. There is no added info on this persons channel to give away age or sex but the background is of Kelly Clarkson and says “Official Tour Merchandise Web Store”.

My guess is this person liked the image of Kelly as the background and copied it from the offcial site and put it on his/her own channel. Someone who does this tends to be in the range of 13-17. For the sake of avoiding stereotyping the sex will remain unknown.

Comment two talks about how a certain scene reminds them of their burying their grandmother. This person ends it with a sad emoticon and using grandmother twice in a five-word sentence.

Call me crazy but with a username like 13mymy13, the overuse of words, and an emoticon, all signs point to a 13 year old girl.

The third comment reminds me of someone who may have a pinky-twitching disorder because the shift button seems tO bE used a lOt.

This type of text is a dead giveaway. It’s either a 13-15 year old female or a cat that ran across the keyboard. According to her profile she is 15. I call her a she because the background is all pink and 90 percent of the time pink is associated with girls.

Finally, Aurras tells us how the video gave him/her goosebumps and the song is really powerful, OK, the sentence is put together decent but the context of Avril Lavigne being “really powerful” makes me think 16 or younger.

Her age isn’t revealed but again, the background is pink.

OK, so four random comments and the results look like this:

Person 1: Female?
Person 2: 13 year old female
Person 3: 13-15 year old female
Person 4: Female

Also, three out of these four are from Canada.. so is Avril.

Maybe it isn’t America that secretly loves her. Maybe it’s the adolescent youth up north that are running the numbers so ridiculously high. The only logical conclusion would be that the majority of her fan base won’t be able to legally drink until 2015.

The summary: Avril Lavigne has catchy songs that can either deal with the hardest of breakups or the excitement of new relationships. Her songs cover a wide array of topics.. er, relationship topics, that can really only be popular with those who can’t wait to go clothes shopping before school next summer.

Great, I got an answer but still have one question: Why is it that I still find myself singing “Complicated” in the car?

We Need Girlfriends: Yeah, it's better than anything on television

In an age where Two and a Half Men wins awards and the economy has dipped lower than McCain’s chances of winning the election, the world needs entertainment.

With out any doubt the first place to go is Youtube; more specifically a Youtube series.

To avoid any confusion a Youtube series is like a television series, only it’s on Youtube.

Good, now that we’re on the same page, check out We Need Girlfriends (if you haven’t already).

This series had an 11 episode run that followed three newly single 20-somethings living in New York. With the combination of great writing, acting and directing, this series had me instantly hooked.

The first few episodes are a bit iffy as the story tries to get established, but even after the first episode it’s hard to deny the addicting nature this series has.

The soundtrack isn’t too bad either.

The music is all local New York bands (I’m sure for legal purposes and local exposure) and has an awesome soundtrack that keeps up the tempo of the show.

The storylines are all solid and seem to come full circle as every character seems to grow throughout the episodes and the comedy, which constantly references Facebook and movies, is flawless.

In fact, this series was so good that CBS picked it up and plans to turn it into a series for its network.

I’m hoping you had the same reaction as me: “wtf”.

Good for CBS for opening their windows and realizing there is real talent on the internet and more specifically Youtube; and good for everyone involved on the We Need Girlfriends project for getting to this level.

But the chances of this show being pulled off by the network are slim to none.

First of all, many different sources say that the three original stars will be pulled and replaced.

Seth Kirschner, who plays Henry, has been involved in several other projects and they all seem to be good actors. They mesh perfectly together and provide that dynamic trio that covers all aspects of a human being.

If CBS thinks they can duplicate that by replacing something good then they can kiss any hopes of this series making it.
Not only that but the music obviously will be different. It will lose its local feel and its unique quality by providing music that a lot of people would never have been exposed to otherwise.

The only bright spot is that they signed on the writers of the show who will continue to write for the CBS series.

Maybe, just maybe, they can keep the good thing going but nothing would be sweeter than watching season two exclusively on Youtube.

However, getting the style of writing by CBS head honchos may seem to be a hard task and they won’t have the freedom to put whatever they want in the scripts.

Their talent is undeniable and if a rising producer had any guts, he needs to pick this crew up.

Everything is what made We Need Girlfriends an amazing series. It was everyone that brought the show together but bringing it to the TV screen may be like making “Joey” after “Friends”.

Keep everything that made the show what it is, if you don’t want to do that then don’t recreate the series. Simple as that.

How to get big on Youtube

The debates are finished. The issues are on the table. Now let’s get viral.

The Internet has offered an interesting twist in the saga of Presidential elections. Now we can dig up old facts, historic videos and new dirt – with a few lies in there as well.

More importantly, the smear campaigning and defamation to both candidates can now run rampant all over major Websites and the entire World Wide Web.

Propaganda can wear many faces. It can be comedic, serious, fearful or believe it or not.. complete lies. But as they say, that’s politics.

Youtube users have not failed to use the site as such, as thousands of videos are floating around attempting to defame the other candidate.  However one video personally made me laugh out loud and it wasn’t until the end that it hit me.

After watching many videos, this McCain one struck a nerve.

c

Let me preface this by saying my political beliefs are not on the Republican side. Now let's proceed.

 This specific video posed as an interactive chain letter hoping to cause a ruckus among the Internet faithful, also known as E-faithful.

Instead of just text as seen in an e-mail or letter we saw visual evidence of the cross-talking of the presidential nominee. The video directed us through multiple cases in which Senator McCain seemed two-faced.

Now how to get this spread?

There’s only one solution: propaganda directing propaganda.

After the video ends it says: “It’s up to you to get the word out” as intense murder music plays in the background. And if this isn’t enough we see more text fade in:

“Send this to 10 people, and tell them to pass it on.” 

LOL. 

All of a sudden a feeling of “you’ve been had” fell over me. The Internet Chain Letter Video at it’s best.

There’s always been a strong belief in my group of friends that if a video has to ask you to pass it on or if you have to beg people to subscribe to you, then maybe your stuff just isn’t that good.

Devil’s advocate would say, well how else do you get it out there? But that’s a different argument in itself.

 

Maybe it’s the years of being told that chain letters fall in the same category as black-tar heroin, Rosie O’Donnell naked and a nuclear explosion – Stuff you never want to see in your life.

 But having this video tell me to tell other people and then to have those people tell more people seemed like begging.

 And to make things better the background is black and the text is blood red. Let’s see here, murder music, red text, begging… It’s one of those videos that will hit hard or miss hard. And the view count is…….

7,038,796.

It’s a political campaign ad that scares you into sending it to other people in the end (take notes if you plan on making it big on Youtube. That or see "Celebrities killed the internet star".)

In fact, this video comes from a user who is devoted on bringing John McCain down: All 302 videos.

He has over 24,000 subscribers and even has a background promoting his site.. And what do you know, it’s an interactive blog site jam-packed with liberal love.

And there you have it. Promote the crap out of smear ads, tell people what they need to do, get them to your Youtube channel which will get them to your website which will generate hits which will then generate revenue.

 Heh, maybe this chain video thing isn’t such a bad idea after all. Good thing I didn’t personally send this to 10 people like the stupid video told me to.

Wait a minute…

Bill Simmons: "The Everything Guy"

When you constantly read a columnist you become friends with them. You laugh at their stupid jokes, you applaud their valiant points and you learn a lot.

 If you’re a writer, you seem to pick up some of their techniques.

 Such is the case with Bill Simmons, an ESPN columnist who has written thousands of articles for ESPN using a style that makes sports even more entertaining than before.

With pop culture references and new slang, Simmons manages to turn every sports situation into something worth laughing about.

Simmons, who is a die-hard Boston fan, doesn’t hide his allegiance. In fact he flaunts it as he openly taunts rival teams and acts as a voice to the common man who has an opinion on sports.

 He has special features and editions like the “Mail Bag” where he takes users E-mails and answers 20-30 of them in a way only the elite can answer.

 Questions range from: “If the Boston Red Sox were a TV show, what would they be?” to “Name the overall best year in sports history?” And his answers either end up being comedic gold or information that you never really thought of.

 His knowledge on sports is undeniable and his ability to cross sports with pop culture is what makes him relatable and humorous. In all, Simmons is a guy who sits around, watches TV and writes about sports – Not a bad gig.

 When you read a writer for a certain amount of time you learn their dislikes and Simmons repeatedly brings back his dislikes randomly and at the perfect time as it draws a laugh to his regular readers every time.

 He hates the WNBA, New York and male insecurities but often writes about his trips to Las Vegas.

 An example of his sports mind comes from an article he wrote about being at the blackjack table in Vegas.

 He compared the dealer to a starting pitcher, but once the dealer began losing every hand and the gamblers began winning, the pit boss would go to the “bullpen” and bring in a new dealer – one who doesn’t speak English.

This “relief” pitcher would be cold, foreign and unfriendly and eventually cause everyone at the table to go broke.

 Analogies are key to Simmons’ success. He knows enough about everything to have his writing effect everyone, not just sports fans. Of course sports fans would get more of the jokes but he has the friendly writing that invites you to read.

Especially in this day, reading about the box score last night or hearing on Sportscenter about another athlete getting in trouble with the law is mundane. But reading Bill’s take on the situation as he writes fluently and allows the reader to understand the situation and then laugh about it is something not a lot of people can do.

 Simmons has recently been getting into Podcasts to stay up with the times, however, nothing can compare to reading the columns.

 What makes Simmons as good as he is isn’t just his ability to make jokes; it’s his uncanny knowledge about sports. He constantly drops references to past events and countless sporting debacles in every column.

 However, it’s easy nowadays to fake it. Just google a topic and within two minutes you’re a genius. However, the amount of sports he claims to have watched and his endless amount of references and stories should be enough to prove that he knows his stuff.

 You can’t pick up the name “The Sports Guy” for being average.

 And that is what makes him and every other good columnist out there worth reading – The knowledge they have on their topic.

 You want to read something that you can learn from, you want to be entertained and you want to laugh. 

 It’s not a big secret that only the best have access to. It boils down to whether or not you have the passion for what you’re doing or following. If you’re heart is in it you can make it worth reading and you can make it, period.

Bill Simmons was born and raised on sports, he can tell you who the point guard was for the Boston Celtics in 1983. He can also tell you all the character names on Beverly Hills 90210.

He’s more than just a sports guy, he’s the sophisticated thinking that it takes to become a great columnist.

He’s Bill Simmons.

 

Celebrities killed the internet site.

Youtube is a community where people can be heard. It’s a place for common people to post original content like skits, speeches or home videos.

Oh, and it’s a place that the mass media market has already taken over.

Eleven of the twenty most viewed videos ever on Youtube are by famous music artists.

For a website whose slogan is "Broadcast Yourself” they sure need to do a little explaining.

From Avril Lavigne (who has the most viewed video at 104,081,786 hits) to Madonna featuring Justin Timberlake (which is at a dismal 20^th place 49,756,998 plays) the most viewed videos on Youtube looks more like Billboards Top 200.

However, if you select the top rated by users of all-time we find that only two mainstream artist is in the top 20 and rightfully so: Tenacious D and Pink Floyd.  And even these videos are ranked 13^th and 19^th, respectively.

That stat in itself should mean something.

Youtube used to be a place for the common people, the middle-class. Now you can’t go past two videos without seeing a celebrity sponsored video or a promo for a movie.

Obviously ads are a must-have because let’s face it: people have to get paid. But the fact that music videos and mainstream artists haven taken over a website aimed to promote the creativity of people is disgusting.

Youtube has probably grown beyond anyone’s expectations and has even been the headliner of a new tech era, but for some reason the 11 out of 20 most viewed of all-time just flat out bugs me.

Of course celebrities and music videos should be allowed on Youtube, but take it out of the most viewed ever. Everyone has already heard of every one of those songs so why not give 11 less-famous but equally as popular online people a chance.

Let them shine and be known as the top 20 most popular user-based videos.

But face it, this is a country that no matter how hard they try will always see the richer and more popular float to the top.

As to not be a complete hater, Youtube has done a lot for the greater community and has constantly worked hard on original and special features as well as connecting to its community.

But now back to the hate.

If Youtube is about listening to its people then why is the “top rated” button so hard to get to. You have to select “more” and then not only that it’s at the bottom of the drop-down menu, while most viewed isn’t.

Weird.

 Top-rated means the highest rated videos by the users, yes the users. It has nothing to do with how well you can promote your video or how popular you are. It is about how good of quality is this video – yet it’s on a dropdown menu.

Maybe it’s a mute point, but don’t pride yourself on something and not do it. That’s like going into Burger King and having them tell you that they are taking the mayonnaise and cheese off of your burger because you’re too fat.

It’s kind of like MTV killed the radio star, then MTV killed itself and now Youtube is the new, but old, MTV, got it?

In other words: make MTV more about music so Youtube can be more about its users. 

Signed – The World

This is Sportscenter

1979

Annie Roboff is on my list of people to kiss.

Also on this list are Tina Fey, Jessica Biel and Shia LeBeouf (don’t ask).

But why pick Annie? There’s one simple answer: She created the Sportscenter theme song.

If you smoke, hearing this song is like having that first cigarette of the day. If you work out, it’s like that first burn. If you’re a lover, it’s like the first – well you get the picture.

Inside this sports news program, anchors go over the daily action in sports and usually discuss topics that have been lingering like injuries and player drama.

But it’s so much more than that.

It’s the simple yet funny narrations to the highlights.

It’s the comfort of seeing the stars still shining.

It’s the sick play that you missed from another game.

It began 30 years ago and has aired over 30,000 unique shows and has been shown more than any program in TV history.

And to this day Sportscenter is what makeup is for girls.

It can be known as a real-life soap opera, they bring you the drama around all the major leagues and college sports like a soap has different storylines.

It can be known as a light-hearted comedy as the anchors poke fun at professional athletes and contend against each other with quips and jokes.

The list goes on and on but one of its signature highlights that no one, whether you like sports or hate ‘em, can rip on: the “Top 10”.

They countdown the top 10 best plays of the day from all around the country and bring it to you in five minutes or less as the show wraps up.

Who could ask for more?


Once the introduction music hits no matter what mood you’re feeling it all seems to go away as the crane lowers onto the two always-happy anchors.

One of the best parts about Sportscenter are the commercials.

They sometimes mock and let you into a pretend world if the athletes actually worked with your favorite anchors. Here are a couple good ones:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZooFJBks9YU&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GSuePNS3tYY&feature=related

The anchors bring a human side to reporting and most of the time make your local sports anchors look like jokes as they struggle to figure out which cliché to use … or does Del Rodgers really just suck?

Either way Sportscenter is a great program because it’s almost always on when nothing else good is on and there is that therapeutic melody that let’s you know that everything will in fact be OK.

Da da da, da da da.

2008

The art of deception on Youtube

Twenty percent of the top viewed videos on www.youtube.com for September 19th have a girl half-naked as the screen cap.

Five out of twenty videos – and this is a slow day.

The number of videos that actually contain half-naked girls… One.

This is a common ploy called D.U.M.B., or, Deception Using Meritless Bimbos.

You see, what D.U.M.B. does is it entices the viewer, predominantly male, to want to click on the video because they expect a video of a girl in a bra or other various articles of seductive clothing.

For example, the common user would see the title: “Miley Cryus in pool with uncle” and drop anything he's doing (baby's included) to see this video as fast as he can. But hold on one second my friend, hold on.

Here is a screen-cap of what he would be looking at.


Now before we proceed, look at that dismal rating. This is a dead giveaway that Miley Cyrus is not in the pool with her uncle. In fact, upon further inspection it’s the complete opposite: Kevin Federline.

Oh K-Fed, you almost got me! (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eYSodPlCAe4) for those interested.

But how did they get that image of a girl on there in the first place? For those who haven’t uploaded a video, let me explain.

There are three segments that you can choose to use as your preview thumbnail. Youtube automatically takes three screen-shots throughout the video – one-third of the way through, halfway through, and two-thirds through.

Once the video is fully edited they slip a picture of a girl halfway through the video and once it's uploaded they set it as their default display image.

The actual application of this procedure is called the Applied Screen-shot Secret, or, A.S.S.

Listen, if you have to deceive people into clicking the video in the first place then that should tell you how terrible your video actually is. What makes you think people will even enjoy it once they realize they have been had?

When D.U.MB. is combined with A.S.S. the results are usually powerful and will always gain over 100,000 hits -- something every Youtuber strives for.

And then there’s the parade of comments along with the video that can easily ruin your day faster than the depressing medium known as the local news.



In the words of jcac062907, “this is retarted”.

And that comment right there is the reason why the Internet is amazing. Seriously? The “t” isn’t even next to “d”, how does this get messed up?

Comments in videos like these are often more funny than anything else on Youtube. The inane fights that people start leave me wondering if the world would be better off without the Internet.

And then for no reason at all the anonymous Youtubers try to get into politics. This you have to see to believe.



Yes, CocolutoBeans is claiming this video is “a stupid as Obama”. Honestly, when you’re trying to put something or someone else down, double check your comment.

Thatkidnumber24 comes back later to say that McCain can’t remember “tha dumb retarded speaches he puts together”.

Grammar aside, did anyone else know that McCain now writes his own “speaches”?

Sifting through a video like this has me questioning the future of our country and the responsibility that these anonymous posters will have in the coming years.

You will honestly feel a little more empty aside after reading 100 or so comments exactly like this.

And that is the art of a D.U.M.B.A.S.S. video. Remember, be aware of the stars and you should be OK.

Oh, and don’t go through the comments because you’ll end up with a gun to your mouth and a bottle of pills next to your bed.

This is just another friendly reminder from your resident Youtube expert and- wait a minute.

Jackpot, just found a video with a hot chick that actually contains a hot chick, gtg.

Note: Scrue barrak and old fogy mccain! RON PAUL FOR OUR COUNTIES FUTURE!

Pretty Woman: You aren't Julia Roberts but good for you

What names do you recognize more: D.J. Tanner, Punky Brewster, and Winnie Cooper; or Candace Cameron, Soleil Moon Frye, and Danica McKellar?

If you said the latter then turn off the television set and go outside.

Most people would have said the first set of names mainly because they are the characters of famous shows that the country fell in love with.

Over the years we have seen these faces other places but immediately recognize them as “that girl from Full House” etc.

The same thing will happen to Natalie Dylan, whether she likes it or not.

However, instead of being recognized for her acting credentials she’ll be noted and talked about as the girl that sold her virginity in an online auction – it has a nice ring to it, doesn’t it?

Imagine introducing her to your parents for the first time: “Mom, dad, this is Natalie. She is funny, in grad school, oh, and she sold her virginity on the Internet. Well, we’re going to be late for the movie.”

Any job interview, any friends, anything. This is her claim to fame. But hey, she’s got a degree.

But without a doubt this is an amazing idea, scratch that, phenomenal idea. She will get what she wanted and more, like hundreds of thousands of dollars more.

My problem isn’t really with her, it’s with the guy who is willing to put that much money out there to penetrate.

How does this guy approach the next girl he wants to pursue?

“Hey, um, I’m Greg. I spent $500,000 to bang a chick, if it’s any consolation she was a virgin, well she said she was virgin.”

What worries me the most is what happens if this dude lasts under five minutes. Poor guy throws away hundreds of thousands of dollars and can’t last longer than a commercial break.

Seriously, though, despite the media and public taking shot after shot at her, what she is doing is genius. The cliché goes: Bad publicity is still publicity.

She will be in a completely legal situation at a place that will make sure everything is completely safe and she’ll be doing something rather enjoyable – good for her.

But then there’s society.

There are the relationships after, the dirty looks, the under-the-breath comments, and the jobs.
What about her degree? The girl wants to be a therapist.

Good luck getting clients once they found out you sold your body for sex.

It’s unclear whether or not she is aware of the social stigma that will be next to her for the rest of her life.

She will forever be a “D.J. Tanner”. Sadly, this is her defining moment.

But it’s not my life. It has no effect on me whatsoever. We will probably never meet in real life, unless I immediately take out a giant loan, and this is why my views are so laid back.

Even the haters have to admit that when this is all said and done, being able to walk out of that building with that much money for “15 minutes or less of fame” is a great idea.

In fact, ladies, just throwing this out there. Anyone interested in bidding on my second time having sex feel free to visit www.ebay.com/3340532.

My life goals include: buying new rims for my car, falling asleep every night, and passing Humphrey’s hellhole called Mass Media Law.

Right now my only offer is some duct tape and a box of thumbtacks so don’t be shy.



Note: I have a tracker logging everyone who clicks that link and so far three people have. Their IPs trace back to Cherise Estes, Michael Smith and Michael Fitzgerald. I’m just saying…

We've got laughs from coast to coast to make you smile

Bob Saget had something good. 

Well, technically it wasn’t his idea, but Saget was the face of America’s Funniest Home Videos throughout the 1990s. For years we laughed every week at children tripping in mud, old people falling over at wedding receptions and the infamous objects to the groin.

Back in the day there wasn’t anything fancy; just a cable box, a lunchable and Saget.

Fast forward 18 years later where the Internet has literally taken over the world. America’s Funniest Home Videos has now transformed into sites like www.break.com that features instant classics like:

A guy failing to do a backflip: http://www.break.com/index/failed-backflip-onto-concrete-floor.html.

A breakdancer knocking himself out: http://www.break.com/its-always-sunny-in-philadelphia/drunk-breakdancer-knocks-himself-out.html.

And nothing is complete without a random object to the groin: http://www.Break.com/index/guitar-hero-nut-shot.html.

This wave of online video sites, known as the Youtube era, has caused tens of thousands of people to pick up a camera with hopes to get “big” on the Internet. It’s caused an even bigger wave of anonymous viewers waiting to bash them to holy hell or roll on the floor laughing their ass off.

Why?

Why has America been so fascinated with watching these videos?

Obviously it’s as entertaining as a monkey riding a dog, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IolGVHkv1vQ, but there has to be more.  Maybe there’s a sense of innocent voyeurism in watching a baby laugh like an adult, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5P6UU6m3cqk. Or maybe it’s the anonymity that comes with the Internet. The way that users can hide behind a screen name and watch videos that offer advice on oral sex, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5GE82tqcYYQ. How about a way to cherish amazing moments that give you chills every time you watch it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1k08yxu57NA.

You can spend hours figuring out what drives millions of people to sit there and watch, laugh, and cry at the expense of others. But it doesn’t have to be one specific reason, what drives someone to these websites can’t really be defined.

Watching other people suffer or succeed has been something the world has been fascinated with pretty much forever. And now with these websites we have the ability to customize our own funniest videos instead of being force-fed the ones with those horrid Saget voiceovers: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p3bxYSGZdLw.

So I guess the real question is: Why wouldn’t these catch on?

Not only is it a place to laugh at the follies of America, but also it’s a place for amateur filmmakers to feel legit. The internet is a perfect outlet for artists to get honest feedback (even if those people have usernames that start with “xXx”).

Think about it, creating a website where amateurs can express their opinion and artistic ability in front of millions and millions of people without needing a degree or any qualifications. A place to publish just about anything they want on a website for free!

What a great idea.

It’s actually going to be exciting to see how big this online video thing will get. It’s hard to believe a site like this will ever fail. A site where “Internet series” can take off, where new skits pop up every day and where groin shots are still a hit.

My questions actually got answered as this column progressed so now this is kind of the awkward goodbye, like do we shake hands or high five? Or do we just wave bye? Oh look there’s a Youtube video about it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ml8Q_qZxWLE, I guess that’s the only proper send off.

Note: Don’t google search: “monkey riding a dog” with the filter off.

Legalize ditching classes on college campuses

Imagine going into a store and buying a delicious chocolate cake drenched in a giant vat of mind-numbing flavor.

Now imagine the guy at the register telling you that you must eat it all right now or you fail.

OK, the example is a bit exaggerated and poorly executed but the point is: Instructors need to stop regulating attendance in classrooms.

In the analogy, the chocolate cake obviously is your tuition; the guy at the register is the instructor controlling what you can do with your cake.

Now would this guy tell you what to do when you obviously just bought the cake and am now the owner of it?

It’s yours. You paid for it and you can do what you wish with it, right? Right?

So why do thousands of kids pay their tuition and fail out of college classes based solely on their attendance? Obviously missing classes means the course work is not learned which means you fail anyway, but this is beside the point.

In my experience, there have been times where attendance means getting an extra hour of sleep, or a chance to organize my fantasy football teams.

Face it, there have been classes in everyone’s college experience where they realize, “I don’t have to show up and I can still pass”.

But of course attendance in that class is a requirement.

In fact it would be financially smarter to make a rule to not enforce attendance at all. Think about it.

Kid pays school $2,000.  Eh, correction: Kid’s parents pay school $2,000. Kid is informed that attendance is optional. Kid misses some classes and fails out because it’s his first semester. Kid tries again, only harder, second semester.

Attention Sacramento State, that’s a free $2,000 for every kid who learns the hard way that you need to show up for classes. There are at least 2,000 kids that will do this a semester.

That’s $4,000,000 a semester. Maybe then we can upgrade some of those computers in the student union that take six to eight hours to boot up.

There’s always the argument that this will increase the dropout rate and these kids will go all anarchist, do meth, and ruin their lives. Well if that’s the case then Darwin had a plan for them anyway.

What happened to those stories you heard from older friends or relatives? “College is so sick, you don’t even have to show up if you don’t want to.”

On second thought, those ended up being the guys who got hooked on hardcore drugs and now collect unemployment checks for no reason at all.  Bad example.

Point still being: Attendance requirements for college-level courses are a joke. You pay money for something and still get slapped with restrictions on what you can and can’t do.

You buy tickets to a football game and you don’t show up. Do they call you later and tell you that you failed? No.

You buy a book and don’t read it. Does the author come to your door and say, “Excuse me, who died on the shipwreck in chapter six? Oh you don’t know? Fail”? No.

So why when you pay for tuition does a teacher threaten to fail you if you miss three classes?

Sorry to cut things short but my econ class just got dismissed; it’s always annoying being the last one out the door.

 

On an entertaining note, here are some San Francisco laws I stumbled upon:

Elephants are prohibited from strolling down Market Street unless they are on a leash.

It is illegal to wipe one’s car with used underwear.

It is illegal to pile horse manure more than six feet high on a street corner.

God Bless America.